The Worst Day Ever - Part 2

Once the shock subsided, how did I feel? Well if I'm honest with myself the first emotion I felt after sadness was anger. I was angry this was happening to me. I was angry I didn't know why I lost our baby. I was angry that I couldn't stop crying. I was angry my body didn't realize this pregnancy was over. I was still very bloated and hungry all the time. I just wanted the nightmare to end.

Wednesday night, 1.22.14, I cried myself to sleep. I realized without even knowing it I entered into a secret society, the miscarriage club. A club I never wanted to be apart of. A club I never really understood until now. A club that most people don't talk about. It's not until you open up that people will share their stories and truly be honest.

Of course my bladder woke me up at 2 am and for a split second I forgot the news from the day before. As it sunk in, the tears began to flow. I stayed up thinking about everything. I laid there crying, hoping that my body would suddenly snap out of it and this nightmare could finally be over. I looked at the clock for the last time around 5 am and soon my alarm was going off. Once again the initial shock took over and I allowed myself to break down again.

Day 2 felt even worse. I piece of me had died on 1.22.14 and it was only a matter of time before my body showed no more traces of ever being pregnant with our little bean. What was I feeling? Sadness, confusion, worry for the future, and still anger. Reality had sunk in and my grief felt heavier. There's a story about grief a dear friend shared with me that day that I keep going back to:

Grief is the feeling of carrying around heavy rocks. They weigh you down, they are cumbersome and difficult to carry. You will carry them around for the rest of your life and some days it will feel like you can't bear to carry it one more minute, but you will. Then one day, when you are not looking, the rocks will settle in your pocket and you may forget they are there. You can reach in and feel them. They will always be a part of you. But you will no longer feel the tremendous weight that you feel today. You will no longer have to carry them, your pocket will find a place for them.
I could not have said it better myself.
What I didn't want to hear from people...everything happens for a reason, you'll get pregnant again don't worry, and six other phrases my friend Rachael describes perfectly here

What I wanted to hear from people...I'M SORRY, THIS SUCKS!!!