The Worst Day Ever

Once we found out we were pregnant we only told our family and close friends. While everyone around me was getting excited, I couldn't help but feel something was wrong. Looking back I should have trusted my instincts. I knew something didn't feel right and unfortunately I was right!

Wednesday January 22nd 2014...THE WORST DAY EVER!

I went in for my 8 week appointment on the 22nd. Since Tony was boarding a plane to Arizona that day my mom came with me. We talked in the waiting room about cribs and potential room colors. The ultrasound technician called my name and back we went. I laid down on the crinkly white paper, both nervous and excited. I pulled up the bottom of my shirt and she started looking on the machine for our little bean. Seconds went by and I asked, do you see anything? She didn't look at me and just said, lets try an internal ultrasound. I removed my pants and laid back down. The crinkly white paper below me starting to become damp, I was starting to stress. Again I asked, do you see anything? She once again didn't make eye contact and replied, let me give these pictures to your midwife and she can talk to you.

My mom and I walked back to the waiting room to wait silently. 10 minutes went by, which could have been 5 hours, and I was called back. I sat down and the midwife started talking. I heard words like, the sac is growing normal but the baby isn't, this is not a viable pregnancy, and missed miscarriage. When I heard the word miscarriage my mind went blank. My mom was asking a ton of questions as to why this may have happened and what where our options moving forward.

I was given three options:

1. To wait. My body would eventually figure out this was no a viable pregnancy and naturally miscarry.
2. Take a pill to force the miscarriage.
3. D&C surgery.

I just sat there staring at the wall. Staring at other people's baby announcement cards. I remember looking down at my shoes thinking maybe, just maybe I'll look up and this would all go away. Then the midwife asked me the worst question in the entire. The question I fear. The question you never want anyone ever to ask you because you know once they say it out loud you'll lose your cool...

"Are you okay?" 

With those three little words I lost it. The tears started flowing.

We left the office and my mom hugged me and said all the things she was supposed to say. All the things she thought I wanted to hear. Since Tony was away in Arizona for four days I decided to stay with my parents in my old room. I still had three hours before Tony's flight landed and I had to explain to him what happened. I quickly texted the few people I had told about our pregnancy because they were all anxious to hear how my appointment had went. I love my friends and family and received the sweetest messages giving me the support I needed and let me know they were there for me.