To be honest, I'm having a really hard time typing this. I thought this would be easier the second time around. I thought the first miscarriage was the hardest and I would be prepared if it ever happened again. Well I thought wrong, very wrong. I was not and am not prepared to say goodbye.
Wednesday night I had really intense cramps and woke up Thursday morning to brown spotting. Throughout the day the spotting turned into a mixture of tissue and dark blood, but I knew this wasn't "it." Friday and Saturday I barely had any spotting, but horrible cramping. Today I feel like I'm just waiting for the inevitable. For the moment I officially lose our little miracle baby. I had a D&C the first time so I've never experienced this. I have no idea if my body will clear itself out on it's own or I'll need another D&C.
I go back for bloodwork on Wednesday to check if my beta is still dropping. On Thursday morning my beta was 413 and by Friday morning it had dropped to 261.
This journey is really taking a toll on myself and my marriage. Thursday night I came home, slammed the door and cried myself to sleep. I knew something was wrong and grief was starting to take over. I woke up Friday bitter and angry. Why was this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?
I came home and immediately wanted to curl up in bed, but Tony reminded me it was Halloween and that kids would be ringing our doorbell any minute. I had two choices, I could drown in my own sorrows OR I could put on a smile for a few hours and hand out candy. I realized these kids had no clue what was going on in my life. It wasn't fair to take away their joy just because I wanted to cry every time I answered the door. I'm proud of myself for putting on a brave face even if it was just for two hours that night.
I know the grieving process takes time. Every day is a constant struggle but I know I'll get through it. I've come this far, why give up now. I now have two beautiful angel babies that I'll always remember. I find it comforting that I'm not alone, miscarriage is unfortunately very common.
