PCOS: My Black Cloud

I don't think I've ever felt so angry.

Today is was CD10. I woke up and noticed I was spotting. I thought maybe it was from increasing my menopur to 300, but that didn't make any sense. By the time I got to my Doctor's office my cramps had gotten worse and I saw more blood. Hello period? I gave up on you months ago.

We ran out of our infertility coverage last year so everything we do is out of pocket. All I could think about sitting there in the waiting room was how much money we had just throw down the toilet. And for what? I won't go into all the details of my screaming and crying in the waiting room. Long story short, my Doctor wants me to come back tomorrow morning for a baseline ultrasound and blood work.

So what does this mean for my body? What happens to those poor follicles I just stimmed to death? Is this even safe? I have absolutely no idea what I want to do.

Right now I feel ashamed and embarrassed of how I reacted to this whole situation. My emotions are all over the place and I snapped at the people closest to me. When I sat down to type this my blood was boiling, however now all I feel is sadness and confusion.

What I have learned about myself over the past year of medicated cycles is that I don't give up easily. In the past I didn't know how to control my emotions and I would stay angry, sad, frustrated, etc for days. Now I feel like I go through all these emotions in a matter of hours. Crawling into a hole and hiding from the world just isn't an option.

I'm sorry, I know this post is all over the place, however I'm using this blog as an outlet. Being able to write down my feelings and see them "on paper" allows me to think and regroup. I don't know what the future holds and unfortunately PCOS will always be my black cloud following me around, however I'm not giving up hope!